Joke Of The Day- 25th July

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name in the headstone!"

Joke Of The Day- 24th July

The following ads acutally appeared in newspapers:

ILLITERATE ? Write today for free help.

AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.

DOG FOR SALE Eats anything and is fond of children

SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE

DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it

FOR RENT: 6 room hated apartment

WANTED: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink

OUR BIKINIS ARE EXCITING. They are simply the tops.

AND NOW, the superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

Joke Of The Day- 23rd July

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. Anyhow, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for the next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark Februark Mak Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

Quote Of The Day- 23rd July

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

-- Spike Milligan, a comedian, writer, musician, poet and playwright.

Quote Of The Day- 22nd July

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

-- Mitch Hedberg, an American stand-up comedian.

Joke Of The Day- 22nd July

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."

Quote Of The Day- 21st July

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

--W. C. Fields, an American juggler, comedian, and actor.

Joke Of The Day- 21st July

A group of blondes in a class at a local University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student comes along, sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gave measurement to one of the blondes and walked away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height, and he gives us the length!"

Quote Of The Day- 20th July

A man can't ride your back unless it's bent.

-- Martin Luther King, Jr. was a leader in the American civil rights movement.

Joke Of The Day- 20th July

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So to the back fence they all went.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy", he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas."

Blonde In The Flight School

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

Quote Of The Day- 19th July

A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine.

-- Thomas Jefferson, President of the United States (1801–1809)

Quote Of The Day- 18th July

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

-- Groucho Marx, an American comedian and film star.

Quote Of The Day- 17th July

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

-- Groucho Marx, an American comedian and film star.

Quote Of The Day- 16th July

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

-- Henry Youngman, British-born American comedian.