Joke Of The Day- 25th July

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name in the headstone!"

Joke Of The Day- 24th July

The following ads acutally appeared in newspapers:

ILLITERATE ? Write today for free help.

AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.

DOG FOR SALE Eats anything and is fond of children

SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE

DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it

FOR RENT: 6 room hated apartment

WANTED: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink

OUR BIKINIS ARE EXCITING. They are simply the tops.

AND NOW, the superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

Joke Of The Day- 23rd July

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. Anyhow, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for the next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark Februark Mak Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

Quote Of The Day- 23rd July

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

-- Spike Milligan, a comedian, writer, musician, poet and playwright.

Quote Of The Day- 22nd July

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

-- Mitch Hedberg, an American stand-up comedian.

Joke Of The Day- 22nd July

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."

Quote Of The Day- 21st July

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

--W. C. Fields, an American juggler, comedian, and actor.

Joke Of The Day- 21st July

A group of blondes in a class at a local University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student comes along, sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gave measurement to one of the blondes and walked away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height, and he gives us the length!"

Quote Of The Day- 20th July

A man can't ride your back unless it's bent.

-- Martin Luther King, Jr. was a leader in the American civil rights movement.

Joke Of The Day- 20th July

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So to the back fence they all went.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy", he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas."

Blonde In The Flight School

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

Quote Of The Day- 19th July

A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine.

-- Thomas Jefferson, President of the United States (1801–1809)

Quote Of The Day- 18th July

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

-- Groucho Marx, an American comedian and film star.

Quote Of The Day- 17th July

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

-- Groucho Marx, an American comedian and film star.

Quote Of The Day- 16th July

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

-- Henry Youngman, British-born American comedian.

Quote Of The Day- 15th July

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

-- Ogden Nash, American poet.

Quote Of The Day- 14th July

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

-- Groucho Marx, an American comedian and film star.

Quote Of The Day- 13th July

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

-- Henry Youngman, British-born American comedian.

Quote Of The Day- 12th July

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

-- Issac Asimov, a Russian-born American author.

Quote Of The Day- 11th July

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

-- Erma Bombeck, an American humorist .

Quote Of The Day- 10th July

Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education.

-- Bertrand Russell, prolific writer, philosopher, historian and mathematician.

Joke Of The Day- 9th July

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

Quote Of The Day- 9th July

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

-- Groucho Marx, an American comedian and film star.

Joke Of The Day- 8th July

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want". The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you, anyway."

Quote Of The Day- 8th July

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

-- Issac Asimov, a Russian-born American author.

Joke Of The Day- 7th July

A redneck calls the White House and says to the receptionist, “Ah’d lak ta be the next Prezzident of this hear Uuuunated States.”

The receptionist, sarcastically asks, “What are you, an idiot?”

To which the redneck replies, “Why, is it required?”

Quote Of The Day- 7th July

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

-- George Burns, was an Academy Award-winning American comedian, actor and writer.

Joke Of The Day- 6th July

The Sheriff pulled up next to the blonde unloading garbage out of her pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head”.

Yep”, she replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin it here, cause it says

‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’.

Quote Of The Day- 6th July

I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words together.

--Charles Dickens, an English novelist of the Victorian era.

Joke Of The Day- 5th July

A senior at LSU was overheard saying… ‘When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.’

When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Fish memorial service

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what Tim was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat!”

Quote Of The Day- 5th July

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

--Dave Allen, an Irish comedian.

Joke Of The Day- 4th July

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Banned Commercial - Condoms

Check out this super cool video.

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Quote Of The Day- 4th July

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

--Yogi Berra (born May 12, 1925 ) is a former Major League Baseball player.

Funny_cats

Check out this new SuperCat, lead actor of CatriX!


Check out more funny pictures by Cosmo_Momo4594 on Flickr.com

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Stupid Blonde

Once there was this brunette who was driving her car with the wind in her hair. She looked and she saw a farmer with a flock of sheep so she drove over and asked the farmer "if I can guess how many sheep are there in you're flock will you give me a sheep." The farmer, thinking it was impossible, says "OK".

The brunette says "460".

The farmer says "that's right but if I can guess you're natural hair color can I have my sheep back". The brunette says "OK".

The farmer says "blonde".

The brunette says how did you know.

The farmer says you just picked the dog.

A Blonde At A Bar

A blonde was sitting down in a bar next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.

The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!".

So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this morning, I knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff."

And the blonde says "Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!"

Assassin Test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists. A blond, a brunette, and a redhead. For the final test, the CIA agents took the redhead to a large metal door and handed her a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances are. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Kill Him!!!”

The redhead said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my husband.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right for this job.”

The brunette was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the brunette came out with tears in her eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my husband.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.”

Finally, it was the blond’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the blond. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Kids Jokes

Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

---

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

Quote Of The Day- 3rdJuly

We don't stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing.

--George Bernard Shaw (26 July 1856 – 2 November 1950) an Irish playwright. Only person to have been awarded Nobel Prize for Literature (1925) and an Oscar (1938).

Banned Commercials - Underwater Camera Fun

Underwater Camera. I need to buy one!

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Haha, I had a funny day!

Check out more funny pictures by Kitty & Kal-El on Flickr.com

Joke Of The Day- 3rd July

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Mom saw the opportunity for a moral lesson and said, "If Jesus was sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait. "
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you can have the first chance at being Jesus!"

Hex Mines - Free Games

Todays Game: Hex Mines
This is the well known minesweeper game with a twist. To make things more interesting the game is based on hex-shaped tiles instead of the normal square tiles. The numbers indicate how near the closest bomb is, the objective is to detect all the bombs, without blowing one up.


Online Games brought to you by Funny-Games

Controls:
Click on a tile to uncover the tiles value, if it was a bomb you are dead.
Hold SHIFT + Mouse click to mask a tile as a bomb.

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Extremely Drunk

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.  He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.
"How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

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Funny Sign Outside an Apartment

Dogs just simply love this door!

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Cat Under The Bed

A man and his wife go out one evening. A few minutes before they leave, they let the cat outside. The taxi arrives. As they step outside, the cat runs back inside. The wife goes and sits in the taxi while the husband goes back inside to get the cat. Not wanting the driver to know that there will be nobody home, she says,"My husband went inside to say good-bye to his mother." A short while later, the husband returns and says "I'm sorry, the old thing hid under the bed, and I had to poke her with a coathanger to get her to come out."

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Waterbed Test-dive

A candid camera show making fun of people in a store.

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Joke Of The Day- 1st July

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss  fires me. When I left the office, I found my car was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I stopped a cab to return home. Halfway, I remember I had left my wallet and credit cards back in office. The cab driver just drives away."

"I walked back home, and when I got there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I left my home, and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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Miscellaneous Jokes- Zoo Job

John needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell John that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.

Well, the guy has his doubts, but he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.

During one such acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and says, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

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Quote Of The Day: 1st July

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

--Albert Einstein (March 14, 1879 - April 18, 1955) was a German-born theoretical physicist and and Nobel Prize Winner (1921).

Another Dumb Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Castle Rock. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind, continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

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Robert Frost Quotes

• The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry more than work.
  
• By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
• Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper.
• The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working when you get up in the morning, and doesn't stop until you get to the office.
• Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
• The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

--Robert Lee Frost (March 26, 1874 – January 29, 1963) was an American poet.

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Funny Pictures- Pizza Hiring

So you just know there's a Large Pizza out there looking for a job.

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Joke Of The Day: 30th June

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father see's it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!
"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of things to women.
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled t out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

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Quote Of The Day: 30th June

You can't say civilization isn't advancing; in every war they kill you in a new way.
-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) - American humorist, columnist, actor, author.

Winston Churchill Quotes

• A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
• Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
  -- (replying to Lady Astor's comment 'Sir, you're drunk!')
  
• I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
• History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
• Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.
• A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

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Yes, Its Blonde Driving

This is a funny collection of car accident pictures.

Metacafe

You've got Blonde

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into her house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, she went back into the house .

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

Funny Pictures of Cats and Kittens

Funny Pictures of Cats and Kittens

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Kids Jokes: Answer these Questions

Some Funny Q&A for Kids.

Q.:Why Did The Computer Go To The Doctors?
A: It Had A VIRUS.

Q: What do you take before every meal?
A: A "SEAT"!!

Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!

Q: There are 5 cats on a couch.
     One jumped off.
     How many were left?
A: NONE, they were all copy cats!

Q: What is a baby's motto
A: If at first you don't succeed cry cry again!

Q: What is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: The word smiles because there is a mile between each s.

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Quote Of The Day: 29th June

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
(replying to Lady Astor's comment 'Sir, you're drunk!')
-- Sir Winston Churchill

Office Flirt- Funny Commercial

This commercial shows us how important it is to keep candy at the office!!

Metacafe

Driving Blonde

Do blondes know how to read the road signs? Check this one out.

Metacafe

Paint The Road

A road consturction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road.

The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1.
On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5.
On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde.

"You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day,'' the manager said. ''What's the problem?''
''I'd be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!'''

Quote Of The Day: 28th June

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
--Will Rogers(1879 - 1935) - American humorist, columnist, actor, author.

Blonde in a Boat

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily stopped her car and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

Funny Children

Now I have decided that I will add atleast one Funny Video everyday.  Check out this awesome baby video.

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Laughing Blonde

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Kids jokes- New baby

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "John, how is your baby brother or sister, you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

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G. K. Chesterton Quotes

• Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
  -- (The Man Who Was Thursday, 1908)
• Truth is sacred and if you tell the truth too often nobody will believe it.
  
• We make our friends; we make our enemies; but God makes our next-door neighbour.
• Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.
• You cannot grow a beard in a moment of passion.
• Half a truth is better than no politics.
• To be clever enough to get all the money, one must be stupid enough to want it.
• Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere.

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A Blonde Driver

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Drunken Man and 3 Blondes

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

Kids Jokes- Children of Israel!

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out."
"What's that, Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er, right."
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What were all the grown-ups doing?

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A Counselor Blonde

A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. The blonde approached and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was. A little while later, however, the blonde noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, the blonde said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked "Why are you standing here all alone?
Why don't you go and join those boys playing football over there?"

"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation,"I'm the bloody goalie."

Car for All- Funny Commercial

Check out this Toyota commercial. What will you prefer?

Metacafe

Mailbox In A Car

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist."I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

Do Not Try This At Home

This is the funniest house video i have ever seen.  Thanks to John for providing this link.

Is There Any Way To Thank You?

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

Can I Buy The TV?

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Kids Jokes- My Homework!

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."

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Legal Quotes

When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty;
When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;
When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice.

-- Lin Yutang

---

"Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage."

-- Ambrose Bierce

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"A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats."

-- Benjamin Franklin

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"Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent.�"

-- Oscar Wilde

---

"In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls."

-- Lenny Bruce

---

"I was never ruined but twice -- once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one."

-- Voltaire

Girl Falls On Her Birthday

Check out this new video. This girl falls on her desert on her birthday.

Metacafe

Kids Jokes- Most Wanted Criminal

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

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Blonde Questionnaire

Q. Whats the difference between a blonde and a Mosquito?
A. The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What does a blonde say after sex?
A. Thanks Guys.

Q. What have a blonde and a computer got in common?
A. You don't realise how much you miss them until they go down on you!

Kids Jokes- Report Card

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

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Need An Insurance

Now this is why you need an insurance. Check out this video.

Metacafe

Kids Jokes: Easter Candy

Jim: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?"
Joe: "I ate some Easter candy."
Jim: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise."
Joe: "It will if it's your big brother's candy".

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Turbo Penguins

This cool penguin game lets you launch a penguin! Click on one of the three penguins and launch him like a rocket into the sky. Once flying you can click on the penguin to bounce him up into the air.


Online Games brought to you by Funny-Games 

Controls:
Use the mouse to click and launch a penguin, keep clicking on the penguin to bounce him all the way up.

A Blonde In An Elevator!

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Introduce The Lawyers

"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.

"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.

Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interrupted, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's proceed on with the case."

Funny beer commercial!

Check out this cool commercial.

Metacafe

JESUS CAN SEE YOU!

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending to ransack, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business. "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" The burglar jumps again and takes a longer look around the room.

Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a budgie, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a budgie!"

To which the budgie replies, "Maybe, but 'Jesus' is the rottweiler!"

Halls of Justice

A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.

Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the Halls of Justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.

"You mean to say that you don't know where the CourtHouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.

"The CourtHouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'Halls of Justice.'"

Kids Jokes- Funny Maths

Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

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Funny Collection Of Photos

Don't forget to turn on your Speakers, the background music is really funny.

Kids Jokes- Pregnant Fireman

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

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Need A New Lawyer

Warning Signs that you might need a Different Lawyer

• Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
  
• When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
• Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
• Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
• A prison guard is Shaving your head.

Old Man's Last Request

A old man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The old man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."

What's your name?

A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: "Ah, you're lovely, aren't you?" she says to the first dog. "What's your name?"

To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."

Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "And what's your name then?"

Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."

And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles."

"No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had an awful day."

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Kidnapper Blonde

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

Here's Your Fee Schedule

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You have to pay $1000 down payment and $400 each month for the next thirty-six months.

"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.

"Your right. It's mine."

Honest Lawyers- Are You Kidding

A lawyer named Impos Sible was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I can put `here lies an honest lawyer'."

"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.

"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's Impos'sible!"

30 Days Honey

This cute flash game is about keeping a bee farm. Keep your bees happy by keeping the flowers healthy. The objective is to produce enough honey within 30 days.


Online Games brought to you by Funny-Games

Controls:
Select and build units with the mouse Cursor.

Will Rogers Quotes

• Make crime pay - become a lawyer.
• Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.
  
• The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back!
• You can't say civilization isn't advancing; in every war they kill you in a new way.
• People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.
• I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
• Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

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The devil's offer

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange everything for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you. Your clients will respect you. You'll have four months of vacation each year and will live a hundred years. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for an eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

Drown All The Lawyers

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

Kids Jokes: Doctor Doctor 2

Some more Kids Jokes.

• Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
  Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!
  
• Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee
  Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?
  
• Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
  Don't talk rubbish!
  
• Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
  That's baaaaaaaaaad!
  

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Lost Identity

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was responsible for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

Famous Quotes: Benjamin Franklin Quotes

• Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
• To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
  
• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
• There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
• Experience is a dear teacher, and only fools will learn from no other.
• Wise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it.
• Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.
• Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
• God heals and the doctor takes the fee.
• Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.

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W.C. Fields Quotes

• A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
• Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
  
• It was a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.

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Mark Twain Quotes

• Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
• Giving up smoking is easy...I've done it hundreds of times.
  
• The report of my death was an exaggeration.
  -- (New York Journal, June 1897)
• Buy land. They've stopped making it.
• Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
• You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
• Man - a figment of God's imagination.

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Lawyers give irrelevant information

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking with his dog.

One of the flyers yells to the man below, "Where are we?"

The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."

Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."

The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"

The first says, "That's easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."

The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." One of the flyers yelled back, "Why do you say that?" The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

What Type Of Tracks?

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the TRAIN hits them.

UBOAT- Free Games

Today I am creating a new section- FREE GAMES. As the name suggests, this section will contain free games or links to them. These games are collected from various websites and are offered to PANTAFUN readers for free. Hope u like them! 

Todays Game: UBOAT
Dive down into the ocean and collect all the treasures.


Online Games brought to you by Funny-Games 

Controls:

• Use Cursor to control the direction
  
• Use Space Bar to throw the hook
• Use p to Pause/Unpause the game
• Use m to turn music on/off

Kids Jokes: Doctor, Doctor

Here are some funny Kids Jokes for our Junior Readers.

• Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
  Use a pencil till I get there.
• Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
  Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
• Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
  Yes - here's a kite!
  

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Famous Quotes: Albert Einstein Quotes

• The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
• The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all art and science.
  
• Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
• If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
• Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.
• Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
• Example isn't another way to teach, it is the only way to teach.
• Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -how passionately I hate them!
• Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

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Lawyers Brain For Sale

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

A Blonde Affair

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde replies to her husband, "Shut up....you're next!"

Actual stupid questions asked

Here are some funny lawyer jokes, believed to be taken from real court records.

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

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Q: I showed you Exhibit 3, did you recognize that picture?
A: Yes, that's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

---

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

---

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

---

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. John at St. Peter's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. John was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

The Panda

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

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Funny Quotes: 1

Check Out some real funny quotes.

• Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
• My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
  
• In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
• Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...

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A Blonde In A Plane

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."