Joke Of The Day- 25th July

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name in the headstone!"

Joke Of The Day- 24th July

The following ads acutally appeared in newspapers:

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AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.

DOG FOR SALE Eats anything and is fond of children

SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE

DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it

FOR RENT: 6 room hated apartment

WANTED: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink

OUR BIKINIS ARE EXCITING. They are simply the tops.

AND NOW, the superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

Joke Of The Day- 23rd July

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. Anyhow, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for the next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark Februark Mak Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

Quote Of The Day- 23rd July

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

-- Spike Milligan, a comedian, writer, musician, poet and playwright.

Quote Of The Day- 22nd July

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

-- Mitch Hedberg, an American stand-up comedian.

Joke Of The Day- 22nd July

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."

Quote Of The Day- 21st July

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

--W. C. Fields, an American juggler, comedian, and actor.

Joke Of The Day- 21st July

A group of blondes in a class at a local University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student comes along, sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gave measurement to one of the blondes and walked away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height, and he gives us the length!"

Quote Of The Day- 20th July

A man can't ride your back unless it's bent.

-- Martin Luther King, Jr. was a leader in the American civil rights movement.

Joke Of The Day- 20th July

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So to the back fence they all went.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy", he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas."

Blonde In The Flight School

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

Quote Of The Day- 19th July

A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine.

-- Thomas Jefferson, President of the United States (1801–1809)

Quote Of The Day- 18th July

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

-- Groucho Marx, an American comedian and film star.

Quote Of The Day- 17th July

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

-- Groucho Marx, an American comedian and film star.

Quote Of The Day- 16th July

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

-- Henry Youngman, British-born American comedian.

Quote Of The Day- 15th July

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

-- Ogden Nash, American poet.

Quote Of The Day- 14th July

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

-- Groucho Marx, an American comedian and film star.

Quote Of The Day- 13th July

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

-- Henry Youngman, British-born American comedian.

Quote Of The Day- 12th July

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

-- Issac Asimov, a Russian-born American author.

Quote Of The Day- 11th July

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

-- Erma Bombeck, an American humorist .

Quote Of The Day- 10th July

Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education.

-- Bertrand Russell, prolific writer, philosopher, historian and mathematician.

Joke Of The Day- 9th July

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

Quote Of The Day- 9th July

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

-- Groucho Marx, an American comedian and film star.

Joke Of The Day- 8th July

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want". The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you, anyway."

Quote Of The Day- 8th July

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

-- Issac Asimov, a Russian-born American author.

Joke Of The Day- 7th July

A redneck calls the White House and says to the receptionist, “Ah’d lak ta be the next Prezzident of this hear Uuuunated States.”

The receptionist, sarcastically asks, “What are you, an idiot?”

To which the redneck replies, “Why, is it required?”

Quote Of The Day- 7th July

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

-- George Burns, was an Academy Award-winning American comedian, actor and writer.

Joke Of The Day- 6th July

The Sheriff pulled up next to the blonde unloading garbage out of her pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head”.

Yep”, she replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin it here, cause it says

‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’.

Quote Of The Day- 6th July

I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words together.

--Charles Dickens, an English novelist of the Victorian era.

Joke Of The Day- 5th July

A senior at LSU was overheard saying… ‘When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.’

When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Fish memorial service

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what Tim was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat!”

Quote Of The Day- 5th July

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

--Dave Allen, an Irish comedian.

Joke Of The Day- 4th July

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Banned Commercial - Condoms

Check out this super cool video.

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Quote Of The Day- 4th July

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

--Yogi Berra (born May 12, 1925 ) is a former Major League Baseball player.

Funny_cats

Check out this new SuperCat, lead actor of CatriX!


Check out more funny pictures by Cosmo_Momo4594 on Flickr.com

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Stupid Blonde

Once there was this brunette who was driving her car with the wind in her hair. She looked and she saw a farmer with a flock of sheep so she drove over and asked the farmer "if I can guess how many sheep are there in you're flock will you give me a sheep." The farmer, thinking it was impossible, says "OK".

The brunette says "460".

The farmer says "that's right but if I can guess you're natural hair color can I have my sheep back". The brunette says "OK".

The farmer says "blonde".

The brunette says how did you know.

The farmer says you just picked the dog.

A Blonde At A Bar

A blonde was sitting down in a bar next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.

The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!".

So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this morning, I knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff."

And the blonde says "Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!"

Assassin Test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists. A blond, a brunette, and a redhead. For the final test, the CIA agents took the redhead to a large metal door and handed her a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances are. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Kill Him!!!”

The redhead said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my husband.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right for this job.”

The brunette was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the brunette came out with tears in her eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my husband.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.”

Finally, it was the blond’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the blond. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Kids Jokes

Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

---

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

Quote Of The Day- 3rdJuly

We don't stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing.

--George Bernard Shaw (26 July 1856 – 2 November 1950) an Irish playwright. Only person to have been awarded Nobel Prize for Literature (1925) and an Oscar (1938).

Banned Commercials - Underwater Camera Fun

Underwater Camera. I need to buy one!

Metacafe
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Haha, I had a funny day!

Check out more funny pictures by Kitty & Kal-El on Flickr.com

Joke Of The Day- 3rd July

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Mom saw the opportunity for a moral lesson and said, "If Jesus was sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait. "
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you can have the first chance at being Jesus!"

Hex Mines - Free Games

Todays Game: Hex Mines
This is the well known minesweeper game with a twist. To make things more interesting the game is based on hex-shaped tiles instead of the normal square tiles. The numbers indicate how near the closest bomb is, the objective is to detect all the bombs, without blowing one up.


Online Games brought to you by Funny-Games

Controls:
Click on a tile to uncover the tiles value, if it was a bomb you are dead.
Hold SHIFT + Mouse click to mask a tile as a bomb.

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Extremely Drunk

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.  He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.
"How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

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Funny Sign Outside an Apartment

Dogs just simply love this door!

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Cat Under The Bed

A man and his wife go out one evening. A few minutes before they leave, they let the cat outside. The taxi arrives. As they step outside, the cat runs back inside. The wife goes and sits in the taxi while the husband goes back inside to get the cat. Not wanting the driver to know that there will be nobody home, she says,"My husband went inside to say good-bye to his mother." A short while later, the husband returns and says "I'm sorry, the old thing hid under the bed, and I had to poke her with a coathanger to get her to come out."

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Waterbed Test-dive

A candid camera show making fun of people in a store.

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Joke Of The Day- 1st July

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss  fires me. When I left the office, I found my car was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I stopped a cab to return home. Halfway, I remember I had left my wallet and credit cards back in office. The cab driver just drives away."

"I walked back home, and when I got there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I left my home, and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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Miscellaneous Jokes- Zoo Job

John needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell John that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.

Well, the guy has his doubts, but he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.

During one such acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and says, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

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Quote Of The Day: 1st July

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

--Albert Einstein (March 14, 1879 - April 18, 1955) was a German-born theoretical physicist and and Nobel Prize Winner (1921).

Another Dumb Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Castle Rock. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind, continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

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Robert Frost Quotes

• The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry more than work.
  
• By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
• Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper.
• The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working when you get up in the morning, and doesn't stop until you get to the office.
• Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
• The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

--Robert Lee Frost (March 26, 1874 – January 29, 1963) was an American poet.

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